I started this blog in 2015 during an awakening I had: This is my tail of childhood, my journey into the unknown world of narcissist's and how I took a stand to stick up for myself.
This is me growing and becoming a force to be reckoned with.
The past:
When I was little, I used to wonder about the people coming in and out of my life. I have always been an observer of human beings and their actions, and more so today, I watch and evaluate each person I come into contact with.
I wonder why they act the way they do, who hurt them, WHAT hurt them and how they became who they are today.
Starting this out, I want to explain why I am starting to write. For a few years I have toyed around with a blog idea and all were misses, mostly because I wanted to give people a good laugh with my lives series of mishaps and funny bits.
I can say I've had a good life, thus far (got some time to go, thankfully) but there were some icky parts of it.
You see, I learned after my divorce at the sad age of 25 that I was what they call am Empath.
What is an Empath you ask? Well it's not really a true to life word, it's based off of Empathy, which means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. An Empth is someone who goes a step beyond and feels the others pain and feelings.
Unknowingly I meld into a select fews 'personal identity', I feel what they feel, like what they like, dislike what they like, if they are 'disappointed' in me, I feel it deeply. My empathetic ways started young with my biological father, grew to my step mother, a couple of ex boyfriends, a smattering of friends, my ex husband and his mother, and now my new brother-in-law.
Those people are what you call Narcissists and they are people who are overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish. It also goes deeper than that because it can become a disorder.
The definition from Mayoclinic.org is:
The beast is not, by any means a single person, for me it WAS many people, but namely an emotion (or lack there of). The beast is a demon inside select people that festers for years, some since they were old enough to realize this new found power and use it to their advantage. I say 'was' because I have put many of these individuals away from myself, I've led a happier existence, that is for sure.
I realized the moment I got married that I was becoming someone I didn't like, I was becoming moody, angry, depressed, jealous, not happy in my own skin, I wanted to be someone else, knew there was much more than what i was settling for.
((Try- Colbie Calliat))
My narcissist ex husband knew the keys to my heart, a part of him was wounded and I have the need to want to fix wounds and mend the broken. He would piss me off so bad I would stop speaking for hours or days and then he would reel me in with pretty words and broken promises, soft touches and warm embraces.
I would say I was used to it, but I don't think anyone could get used to each stabbing pain of betrayal. I was scared, sure, but where I am sitting today is the start of new begins. I sit in a house my new husband and I are helping rent with his mom and her youngest, and his older brother and his girlfriend. No, this isn't really where I saw myself and I have to remind myself of the better things to come. Instead of living in other peoples lives and helping build them up and neglecting myself, I've done a 360 and am now building upon myself.
This isn't my first stone, this blog is one of many. I believe this will help me rebuild myself (stronger this time) and also help others along the way, fellow feelers, my lovely Empaths with their beautiful souls.
It took me half of my life time to realize it was and wasn't me, all at the same time. I LET people in, LET them stay and LET them continue to hurt me. But at the same time, I LET those same people go, LET them walk away, and LET them stay away. It's hard to disengage from those people, believe me. I wanted several times to send my ex husband an article I have read or a book by Gary Chapman 'The 5 Love Languages' in hopes that he may read them and change, for the good, for his next romantic venture.
However, he didn't read anything I sent him while married so therefore he would probably burn anything sent.
Present day 2021:
During this time, I started learning more about someone closer to me, being a ring leader in my unhappiness.
This is me growing and becoming a force to be reckoned with.
The past:
When I was little, I used to wonder about the people coming in and out of my life. I have always been an observer of human beings and their actions, and more so today, I watch and evaluate each person I come into contact with.
I wonder why they act the way they do, who hurt them, WHAT hurt them and how they became who they are today.
Starting this out, I want to explain why I am starting to write. For a few years I have toyed around with a blog idea and all were misses, mostly because I wanted to give people a good laugh with my lives series of mishaps and funny bits.
I can say I've had a good life, thus far (got some time to go, thankfully) but there were some icky parts of it.
You see, I learned after my divorce at the sad age of 25 that I was what they call am Empath.
What is an Empath you ask? Well it's not really a true to life word, it's based off of Empathy, which means the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. An Empth is someone who goes a step beyond and feels the others pain and feelings.
Unknowingly I meld into a select fews 'personal identity', I feel what they feel, like what they like, dislike what they like, if they are 'disappointed' in me, I feel it deeply. My empathetic ways started young with my biological father, grew to my step mother, a couple of ex boyfriends, a smattering of friends, my ex husband and his mother, and now my new brother-in-law.
Those people are what you call Narcissists and they are people who are overly self-involved, and often vain and selfish. It also goes deeper than that because it can become a disorder.
The definition from Mayoclinic.org is:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which
people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for
admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultra confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the
slightest criticism.
A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of
life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may
be generally unhappy and disappointed when you're not given the special favours or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being
around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling
The Beast is narcissism. The beast is not, by any means a single person, for me it WAS many people, but namely an emotion (or lack there of). The beast is a demon inside select people that festers for years, some since they were old enough to realize this new found power and use it to their advantage. I say 'was' because I have put many of these individuals away from myself, I've led a happier existence, that is for sure.
I realized the moment I got married that I was becoming someone I didn't like, I was becoming moody, angry, depressed, jealous, not happy in my own skin, I wanted to be someone else, knew there was much more than what i was settling for.
((Try- Colbie Calliat))
My narcissist ex husband knew the keys to my heart, a part of him was wounded and I have the need to want to fix wounds and mend the broken. He would piss me off so bad I would stop speaking for hours or days and then he would reel me in with pretty words and broken promises, soft touches and warm embraces.
I would say I was used to it, but I don't think anyone could get used to each stabbing pain of betrayal. I was scared, sure, but where I am sitting today is the start of new begins. I sit in a house my new husband and I are helping rent with his mom and her youngest, and his older brother and his girlfriend. No, this isn't really where I saw myself and I have to remind myself of the better things to come. Instead of living in other peoples lives and helping build them up and neglecting myself, I've done a 360 and am now building upon myself.
This isn't my first stone, this blog is one of many. I believe this will help me rebuild myself (stronger this time) and also help others along the way, fellow feelers, my lovely Empaths with their beautiful souls.
It took me half of my life time to realize it was and wasn't me, all at the same time. I LET people in, LET them stay and LET them continue to hurt me. But at the same time, I LET those same people go, LET them walk away, and LET them stay away. It's hard to disengage from those people, believe me. I wanted several times to send my ex husband an article I have read or a book by Gary Chapman 'The 5 Love Languages' in hopes that he may read them and change, for the good, for his next romantic venture.
However, he didn't read anything I sent him while married so therefore he would probably burn anything sent.
Present day 2021:
During this time, I started learning more about someone closer to me, being a ring leader in my unhappiness.
