Having a family like mine was tough growing up. Hell, it’s tough being an adult and separating myself from them with no contact.
I haven\"t talked to them since May 17th at 8:33pm, in the parking lot of Texas Roadhouse in pensacola, fl.
I always watched them, wondered why they did things versus others and wondered why I always molded myself around situations like I was trying to survive.
Because I was trying to survive; I just didn’t know that’s what I was doing until recently.
The nucleus of our family is my mother, if she is at peace, the family is at peace. If she is not at peace, then the whole family collapses in on itself and cause an implosion like a dying white dorph star.
This creates onion layer after onion layer until we were all bitter, hurt and tired.
At the age of 31, I sought out a therapist. 2020 was the year I had a mental breakdown, like half of America, but my personal story started in January before the world shut down.
Mid December 2019 my husband tells me about his day, that him and other child services coworkers teamed up and helped an 11 year old who just got placed in foster care, make it to her old schools band recital.
I cried over Chinese food because the tale moved me; something about me is that I always cry, I’m emotionally charged and that’s my call to action.
My husband informed me that he was ready, if she came up for adoption.
This scared me shitless because I don’t want kids. I’m adamant about not wanting kids and I don’t keep quiet when people try to talk me into kids. But the look on his face and the words I once said came right back out of my mouth.
‘I told you before we married, if you felt the need to have a child, that we would talk. If you feel she is it, we can foster and try out this parent thing.’
We didn’t get the opportunity to attempt this parent thing until Mid January when hubby called me and told me they were looking for a new family and that he started the paperwork
I was scared again, after hoping this would just go away.
My husband did all the paperwork, gave us dates and times for fingerprints and such, all the while I felt like I was in a bubble.
My husband was so excited! I loved seeing him so happy, I also hated like hell that I was not as happy about this endeavor.
I felt guilty so I tried to talk myself into it, researched, talked to other foster parents. Threw myself into making her room look perfect, rallied friends and family for help since we didn’t make a lot of money, but made enough; we felt.
We started visitations mid January while doing paperwork, it was strange talking to another kid, because the only kids I talk to are my little sister, nephew and my friends’ kids who are basically my nephews too.
The first week of February I had to deal with my nucleus mother attempting to cause a melt down between my husband and myself mid-visitation and while I was out of town on a business trip. I work in the fashion industry and my business partner and I got the opportunity to participate in a fashion show in Orlando.
I’m in the middle of getting dressed in my giant ball gown when I have to take my husbands call because he’s frantic.
He sends me their text message exchanges and I read them all while wondering why this had to happen this weekend.
Because it was an important day, and if it doesn’t revolve around my mother, she causes a fucking ruckus to do just that and play the victim.
To sum it up, my husband asked my mother not to tell our possible foster daughter that she loved her, that she was going to be her grandma and other conflicting things that a person shouldn’t be saying.
No promise making.
It’s a rule.
She had, up to this time, been working in child services for over a decade. She also adopted our little sister, who was our cousin.
I let slide her snobbish comments about how I wanted to adopt because she adopted, that I was following her footsteps.
The funny part about that was: I didn’t want to do this. So no, I was wanting my husband to be happy.
I was being self-sacrificing while knowing I should have thought of my mental health first.
Mother ended up cussing my husband out, telling him he was a verbally abusive and narcissistic man. I waited until I was back in town to deal with this and sent the following message.
‘I have a few things to say regarding the texts and behaviors you’ve sent and shown the past few days.
I would also like to say I do not appreciate this being an almost ‘every birthday I have’ occurrence and having to justify these behaviors as ‘eh, if no one cry’s is it even a birthday or holiday?’ Frankly I’m tired of shrugging it off and making jokes about it. It’s deeply upsetting and unhealthy.
First off, my husband is NOT controlling. He is the most gentle creature known to man, with the patience of a saint, on most days. He bends over backwards to help any soul and does everything in his power to make me happy. He also never commands authority unless he feels he needs to, for example, you saying things that should not be said. As a supervisor for DCF you should understand this more than anyone, and also you should understand why we are both asking you to dial it back.
‘I love you’s don’t need to be said right now, and I asked nicely for you to calm down the grandma thing and anything of that nature. The fact that you went behind both of our backs shows a lack of respect for boundaries that are greatly needed right now, more than ever.
Having family and friends as a support system is big, but you undermining our wishes and saying these things when it’s not appropriate, is upsetting to me.
We have yet to voice ‘I love you’ and to us that’s something special we are all working towards. Andrew asking you to dial it back, was in fact, also my wishes. It’s highly inappropriate of you to do that.
She will be our adopted daughter, if and when that time comes, not yours. We are working on our relationships first, yours and any other family relationships, come second. And if you can’t respect boundaries, like we’ve asked several times, I feel it in Katie’s best interest to have us step back from interactions with you for the time being.
I hate that I even have to say any of this, and it’s frustrating having to compose this on my birthday and having to have this consume my thoughts on the first real vacation I’ve had in a while, literally minutes before I walked on stage, hurts immensely.
Second off, Andrew was not name calling nor was he demeaning your character. You have however, called him names before when he was clearly joking with you.
You have done some things over the past year that leave me shocked, and right now, everything you are showing in regards to Katie, leaves me flabbergasted.
You haven’t shown any interest in my business’, hobbies, homes or anything else, unless it has to do with DCF or is somehow connected to you or someone you know.
I’ve spent more times than I’d like to admit, being hurt and upset about your general lack of caring sometimes. I’m actually very successful in my trade and very knowledgeable in quite a few things.
I feel you degrade me and talk down to me, and never trust that I do, I fact, understand quite a bit. It’s like you’re Afraid I’ll make you look bad.
Third, I don’t appreciate reading what you wrote my husband, also the part about the spinning and controlling part. I don’t understand why you are acting this way.
Yes she’s a child in foster care, but she’s also wanted and is doing just fine and knows she’s loved. We are trying to make her comfortable, not scare the crap out of her.
I agree with andrew, please tone it down a bit and act like the normal person you typically are.
My husband is not narcissistic, at all. But You have shown many signs of this yourself, just in that text message alone. That’s truly upsetting, that as a third party reading it, how bad you’re trying to make my husband look like the bad guy when clearly, you’re the one acting childish.
In short, there needs to be an understanding that we are to be the parents and not you. We will be raising Katie and would appreciate it if you would step back a little to allow us to be the parents we want to be. Our parenting style will be, of course, different than yours, but that\"s only because we are different people. We would like you in Katie\"s life but the way you are going about this could have adverse side effects and we would like you to rethink the ways you\"ve been acting around Katie.
I love you and would like for us to get this situated.’
All I got in response, is the normal, generic mother comment because my feelings have never been worth anything to her.
‘Happy birthday and I love you and have always been proud of everything you’ve done!!!! I’m not going to respond to the rest of text though other than to say Again it just came out and there was no hidden, deep thing behind it if that is the thing that makes me a bad person than I can certainly handle that just a slip of the tongue. Anyway I love you and hope you have an awesome day.’
Years I’ve had to feel inadequate and unwanted. I’ve spent most of my free times getting put through the ringer with giant upsets like this; then to be told I’m not worth it because you can’t focus enough on someone else to read my baring of soul.
It’s heartbreaking.
And then magically things ‘go back to normal’ like they never happened.
Yet, I remember.
