Birthday Dinner and Whine

 I do a lot of that lately, whine. It's not a birthday in our family if someone doesn't cry.

  But at dinner tonight I decided to go to a restaurant our family frequents because I generally enjoy the food. My sister and brother-in-law came with me for my birthday dinner, and my sister asked if I was sure about my choice of restaurant due to the family.
I said sure, the likelihood of her showing up this Saturday is slim, not unheard of, but slim.

We also ended up getting the waitress we always get, and the one that they and mom get which caused my sister to murmur, "Great, moms going to know."

  It stung. I stared at my menu until my unshed tears blurred away and I pushed it aside. I didn't cry this time, just went back to normal because I'm just...exhausted.

  I finally understand why people step back away from family and friends when they are fighting their own battles...and I think I'm done trying to carry on something no one wants to really be a part of because of fear of repercussions. 
I tried not to bring up family, not because I don't want to know what's going on (I still very much want to be a part of them anyway I can), but because I don't want my sister to feel like an in-between. I don't want her to feel like the odd man in, a liar, an informant, or like she play-acting a role.

  I found a random active Instagram my brother has up and one of his pictures was of a new addition of my parents spending time together with him. They looked happy.
I saved it to my phone, to better torcher myself because I don't have many of them with me, or around me.
I can't remember a real smile.

Secretly, I always envied the kids whose parents want to be around them. I watch it daily at my studio, hell, even some dads take care to show up and be a part of their daughters' lives.
I'm watching friends post about their parent's journeys through surgeries and such and see the updated pictures of closeness and then I feel alone again.

I haven't had that for an exceptionally long time. 

Each time something interfamily were to happen, instead of words of comfort, it's to me saying that I don't need to talk about it, or post about it. 

Today I'm in rotten headspace because everything is crumbling, and I have no one to talk to. I need a hug and a good shoulder to cry on instead of crying in bed on my laptop, my damn night lotion I just put on stinging my eyes because I keep wiping up into my eyes. 

  Today started off iffy, with my husband in severe pain and me happily hopeful in having a good day. We didn't talk much, so I stopped trying to create conversation or ask for input. I tried breakfast and I ended up just staring at the menu. If I'm shut down enough, I just go quiet and retreat in my head and then I can't get out.
So, the day started out wonderful in that aspect, full of anxiety, lack of available space to cry by myself, and crippling depression, with zero drive to do anything. 
  Tried it again on the way to an antique store, which ended up being closed. 
  I got numb hearing the only thing my husband would say to me the whole morning, which was I love you.

  I feel bad that the only thing he could say to me was a gentle reminder that he does love me even though I'm stuck in my head and wishing...what exactly?
  On the way home my transmission went out and I dropped my phone in water when I tried to go seek solace in the bathroom. I laid down afterward and just fell asleep because I was emotionally done.


Then I woke up to my husband being in so much pain he told me if he didn't get better, then he wanted to blow his brain out. I got him on the Tens unit as I type, and he finally fell asleep.

So, as I said, I'm in rotten headspace, with no one to voice my grievances because I'm tired. I don't want to chase people off...or anymore off. What's worse is when I tried to talk to a set of friends, they swayed away from the topic I brought up, since then I barely reply unless it's to show I'm still there.
I never want to be an emotional vampire....I know I can be as negative as they come because life is constantly giving me lemons, and fuck it if I've run out of recipes to use them in.

I have a surplus of lemons and I can't give the fuckers away fast enough before I'm drowning in lemons and emotions and dreams of people I used to know and knowing no better way to survive than to write in a blog that no one ever reads.
And probably won't because it's fuck all depressing. 

 Today is a horrible day, I have zero drive to do even the littlest of things and even if I did, I couldn't even make it to the store because my damn car is broken.


At least I can sit in the living room, for another couple of minutes and cry before my roommate gets home and asks questions. I also enjoy that I can post this into the void that is the web-o-sphere and have absolutely no one read it.

But one day I hope it helps someone, knowing that it's okay to be an absolute mess because there are a few of us vocal about how unfair life really is.